How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
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[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.