How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
You Might Also Like
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
look at me when i’m typing to you
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.