How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
good morning
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”