CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
3% human
97% stress
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Yeah. This was me today.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
But is it really??
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool