How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
🙅🏻
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.