Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
are they though??
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur