-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Sell your car