How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso