How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
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My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
jesus christ confetti not now
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER