Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You Might Also Like
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”