How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
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Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.