How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
the official breakfast of 2021
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Safety first
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana