How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.