Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands