Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.