How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv