How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”