Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
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if I can survive this, I can survive anything
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
😂😂😂
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.