How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Just a reminder, folks:
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.