I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.