RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
How high do the levels go?
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.