@PJTLynch: "Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

@freezingsheep: If I hear a bang when I'm driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier. Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

@armenianhbilly: A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society

@hansabumsadaisy: #rubbishjokes Noah's diary - 39th day: "The dragon pie was really scrumptious."

@aveuaskew: Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a "take charge kind of guy" is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.