How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

@theshamingofjay: Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever. Me: Really? Aren't you married?

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@KrunkedRobot: I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

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@markhoppus: "The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era" I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.

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@pakalupapito: the only exercise this month ive done is running out of money

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@NotThatNixon: Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

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