@TinaMav: How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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@TheBoydP: Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
@iRowlf: I'm returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful. "Sir, that's a loofah." Oh. I'm returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
@EtobicokeErnie: Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
@SortaBad: Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo