My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
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Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.