How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
selfie game
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No