@envydatropic: Someone told me that Jaws isn't even a real shark and that he doesn't live in lakes. That's the craziest talk I've ever heard.

@TheDragoEffect: REALTOR: It's a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools- ME: And the Pokemon? REALTOR: .... sigh. Mostly Pidgeys ME: I think I've seen enough.

@zakagan: Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED? Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

@sonictyrant: Alexa , did scaramouche ,scaramouche ever do the fandango ?

@DocAroundThClok: [Patient room] ME: ...so that's why I need to drain the abscess on your leg PATIENT: What'll it feel like? ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I've been able to help someone in a dark time PATIENT: No, I meant for me ME: Oh. It's gonna hurt like hell