@Sarcasticsapien: It's like the TSA doesn't even care relationships end cause we can't run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.

@dafloydsta: WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

@connorhannigan4: high school is like a free trial on education and once you’ve graduated they say “now if you want to continue pay $100,000”

@TheBoydP: *spins in circles* *dies* *gets stuck in corner* *dies* *spins in circle* *dies* [Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@BuckyIsotope: You're in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do- "Bread guy"