@rickolantern: The baby changing station in this Chili's bathroom is broken I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

@Reverend_Scott: The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@P_o_n_k: BRUNO MARS: I'd catch a grenade for ya ME: Thanks, but I'd probably still die. BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya ME: Again...

@RidiculousSheri: Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

@daemonic3: Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers' carryon bags, but they went over their heads