@dinnersruined: How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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@BromanConsul: "It doesn't say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see," I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
@Smug_Lemur: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back" -m'am, I believe that's your husband.
@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
@Kyle_Lippert: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 1) Put a saddle on it 2) Get on 3) Oh god it's destroying the village with fire 4) WHY DIDN'T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!
@Mormonger: Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race Jesus: LOL
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