How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.