How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
You Might Also Like
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I enjoy a good short stor
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Probably my best painting.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour