How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?