How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Based Erika
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down