How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
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My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.