Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*