How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
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Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
accurate
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.