by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with