@Mr_Mike_Clarke: How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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@tastefactory: Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.
@astutenewf: Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
@dave_cactus: HER: Are you free Friday night? ME: Let me check my colander. HER: Your... ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I'll be making spaghetti.