How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?