How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.