How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that