How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”