How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
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I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!