How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
You Might Also Like
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke