Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up