How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy