HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
choose your fighter
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?