How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me too, bag. Me too….
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.