[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.