@TotallyAllen: HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, "Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket. Novice dad reaction: "You ruined your pants." Veteran dad: "Thank God. I thought it was poop."
@_TayTayJustine: Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album. Don't be an enabler. Drop the phone.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Quit talking down to me like I don't know shit about technology! 12yo: Sorry... Me: That's ok. Now fix the router.
@SveldtSmelt: Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don't know where to start and I always end up screaming.