Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*