*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Ape together strong
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Is….Is this an option?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.