How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’m aging like a fine banana
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.