How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
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cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
this makes me so uncomfortable
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
🙁
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*