When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.