How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!